The boy who turns

Today, I wake up very early in the morning. I cannot find my way back to sleep. I do not find my phone and everything in it interesting. So, I cannot help but sitting and contemplating, as usual. I hate to point it out and say to myself that I am 24 now. Maybe, it is just a mechanism created by my mind to deny the fact that I am getting older and I am no longer a boy; that I have to take everything more seriously; and that I am now belong to the society more than to me.

I am not finished with myself as a boy. I like being a boy capable of expressing my self. I’d like to live my life in the ‘now’ without yesterday’s regrets and tomorrow’s expectations. I am still enjoying my journey of finding myself. I have not found my passion yet, not to mention my truest self.

They ask me to take everything more seriously. Well, I can’t! I cannot put all my heart into anything I have no idea about. I am still detaching myself from my belief, both familial and cultural. I want to inspect and select everything for myself. I want to live my life as me, not as my parents’ shadow or as the mainstream society. I want to have and realize my own dream, not their unfulfilled dreams.

Now, society will start prying my eyes to look through the lens of their ‘reality’ and to pursue their version of success. They expect me to be a good worker, spend my wage, and not die. They want me to be a good functioning person, which is defined as a person who don’t question and just accept everything; a person who is smart enough to think—and work—but not too smart to realize; and a person who is like other millions of people whose sense of identity, happiness, and pride depend on how famous, beautiful (or handsome), or rich they are. 

Speaking of pride—it may sound like a conspiracy theory, though—I think, it is just an empty words designed to control the majority. There is no reason to be proud of just being Indonesian/American/Man/Woman/Muslim/Christian because pride is something we earn or we get after trying hard. It is an achievement, not just something we have when we are born or simply convert into. That word is used to invoke blind determination/struggle on the outcome desired by some.

One more thing, to be a good functioning person, I have to marry and have children. This may sound ridiculous, but I think this overpopulated world has enough ‘unattended’ and ‘unmanaged’ hungry children. Why would I be so egotistical to spread my mediocre gene to the world? Is there no other meaning which can make my life meaningful other than this?

Perhaps, I am just too scared and irresponsible to handle children because I know that every baby look upon their parents as perfect beings. And I know that neither do I, nor everybody else is perfect. So, there will always be gap, an unmet expectation: childhood trauma, either emotional, psychological, or physical. This childhood trauma will influence the children forever, as me and everyone else. It is like a burden we are doomed to carry around. We can’t function maximally until we accept it, unbind it, and be at peace. How to deal with this depends on each person. Regardless, I am not ready to create and deal, or let my children deal with the burden.

I am a boy who enjoys walking and taking paths unaware of the consequences in the long run. I simply walked on the path that I liked. Now, however, I am facing a big diverted roads, and I have to decide which road to take. I know that at the end, every small path will lead to bigger roads. Every individual will be a society. Every colorful soul will be monochromatic swirling energy. It is not so grim, though. For the better or worse, each individual sound will turn into universal symphony.

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Tentang Kematian

Kematian

Secara umum, kematian merupakan momok yang ditakuti oleh semua orang. Namun, sampai tingkat tertentu, kita tidak percaya bahwa kita akan mati. Bila iya, kita akan ketakutan setiap hari. 

Mungkin ini memang suatu upaya yang dilakukan oleh sel-sel dalam tubuh kita agar kita dapat berfungsi secara normal. Atau mungkin, sel-sel kita memang takkan pernah mati, hanya berubah.

Kita Semua Mati Sendirian

Menurut Prof. Shelly Kagan dalam sebuah kuliah terbuka tentang filsafat di Universitas Yale, kematian itu menakutkan karena kita mati sendirian, dalam sepi. 

Sepanjang hidup kita, kita telah hidup berdampingan dengan orang lain. Pasti sangat menakutkan bila akhirnya kita mati sendirian.

Walaupun kebanyakan orang mati dihadapan kerabat/keluarganya, tetap saja kita sendiri yang mati.

Walaupun kita mati di arena perang bersamaan dengan orang lain, tetap saja proses kematian itu akan kita hadapi masing-masing karena kematian tak dapat diberikan pada orang lain.

Walaupun pada abad pertengahan, tempat seseorang di guillotine dapat digantikan oleh orang lain, tetap saja, takkan ada yang bisa mengambil kematian kita karena setiap orang memiliki kematiannya sendiri.

Jika seseorang menempati tempat kita saat makan siang, dia menyantap makan siangnya untuknya, bukan makan siang kita untuk kita.

Kita akan mati sendirian.

Katanya, ketika kita mati, kita akan merasakan kesendirian, keterkucilan, dan ‘terpisah’ dari orang di sekitar kita. Namun, tidak semua orang akan merasakan hal seperti ini, contohnya adalah orang yang meninggal ketika sedang tidur atau yang malah mengundang orang-orang terdekatnya untuk mengucapkan kata-kata terakhirnya.

Kita Mengharapkan Eksistensi Jiwa

Sebegitu takutnya kita akan kematian sehingga kita sangat berharap bahwa kita bukan hanya raga yang memiliki fungsi-fungsi hebat, namun kita juga punya jiwa. Kita berharap bahwa setelah kematian, jiwa kita akan menuju kehidupan yang abadi.

Jika tidak ada kehidupan yang abadi untuk jiwa kita, berarti kematian adalah akhir dari semua. Berarti kehidupan hanyalah serangkaian hal-hal tak bermakna.

Sangat depresif!

Kematian Tidaklah Buruk Bagi Yang Meninggal, tapi Buruk Bagi Yang Ditinggalkan

Pada situasi tertentu, mungkin kita pernah berpikir bahwa tidak apa-apa jika kita harus mati, yang kita takutkan adalah apa yang akan dilakukan keluarga/kerabat kita jika kita mati.

Ada dua skenario:

1. Saudara kita akan pergi untuk melakukan eksplorasi galaksi. Mungkin kita takkan pernah bisa bertemu/berkomunikasi lagi.
2. Saudara kita akan pergi untuk melakukan eksplorasi galaksi. Roketnya meledak sesaat setelah diluncurkan.

Tentu saja skenario kedua lebih menyedihkan. Kesimpulannya, bukanlah perpisahan yang menyedihkan, melainkan perasaan orang yang ditinggalkan ketika mereka meratapi orang yang meninggal.

Kematian Merenggut Keindahan Hidup

Kematian itu buruk karena dia merampok sebuah keindahan hidup yang mungkin akan kita alami.

Kapanpun kita mati, kita akan memandangnya sebagai sesuatu yang buruk. Jika kita mati pada usia 20, kita mati terlalu muda. Jika kita mati pada usia 50, kita berharap punya waktu 10 tahun lagi. Jika kita mati di usia 90 tahun, tetap saja, kita akan merasa kurang.

Oleh karena itu, keabadianlah jalan satu-satunya.

Kita Tidak Benar-Benar Ingin Hidup Abadi

Jika kita diberi kebebasan untuk memilih jatah usia, mungkin kita akan memilih ‘tak terbatas’, tapi sebenarnya keabadian tidaklah seindah yang kita bayangkan. Bayangkan saja kita semakin tua, semakin ringkih, dan semakin pikun; organ-organ di tubuh kita tidak lagi bekerja sebagaimana mestinya; daya indera kita semakin berkurang, namun kita tak akan pernah mati. 

Menyeramkan, bukan?

Pada saat itulah, mungkin, kematian hadir sebagai anugerah yang membebaskan kita dari jeratan penderitaan abadi seperti itu.

Sejatinya, kita ingin hidup abadi tanpa mengalami penuaan. Bagai para vampire dalam Twilight Series. Mungkin, karena itulah konsep ‘surga’ menjadi secercah cahaya di ujung jalan. Cahaya yang dapat menerangi semua angan-angan dan pertanyaan terbesar umat manusia.

Namun, tetap saja tidak ada kehidupan abadi yang akan selamanya bahagia. Akan ada saatnya kita mencari suatu akhir di kehidupan yang tanpa akhir itu, bahkan di surga, mungkin. 

Aku pernah berpikir bila aku berada di surga, bernyanyi selamanya, tidur bersama 72 bidadari selamanya, duduk-duduk sambil membaca di taman Firdaus selamanya, makan makanan dan minum minuman favoritku selamanya, memainkan game favoritku selamanya, berjalan-jalan di hamparan taman bunga selamanya, mendengar deburan ombak dan retihan api unggun selamanya, tidur-tiduran di bawah bintang-bintang selamanya… selamanya. 

Selamanya! 

Menurutku, setelah 100 atau 1000 tahun, aku akan mulai bosan, dan berharap agar aku lenyap, seperti sebelum aku dilahirkan.

***

Walaupun aku tidak ingin orang-orang terdekatku mati, bagiku, kematian jika dilihat dari perspektif tertentu, tampak indah. Bagiku, kematian adalah sebuah sensasi yang menggairahkan. 

Bayangkan, kita bisa mati kapanpun dan di manapun!

Kematian itu menggairahkan! Mungkin itulah mengapa orang rela lompat dari pesawat hanya dengan beberpa helai kain, memacu kendaraannya untuk kesenangan, dan melakukan hal-hal lain yang menyimpan risiko kematian tinggi.

Dalam ilmu ekonomi, kita tahu bahwa nilai suatu komoditas akan melonjak apabila komoditas itu langka, singkat atau mudah rusak. Sama halnya dengan kehidupan. Hal-hal itulah yang membuat kehidupan menjadi sesuatu yang berharga.

Aku bersyukur atas apa yang sudah, sedang, dan akan aku alami. Kapanpun akhirku, aku akan merasa cukup.

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Tentang Bunuh Diri

Kapankah saat yang tepat untuk melakukan bunuh diri?


Beberapa bulan lalu aku mengikuti sebuah kuliah Filsafat di Yale University Open Course. Terdapat sekitar 20 materi kuliah yang setiap sesinya berlangsung selama kurang lebih 50 menit. Kala itu, aku tak punya banyak waktu untuk mempelajari semuanya, sehingga akupun hanya memilih beberapa sesi yang menarik perhatianku saja: Bunuh Diri bagian I dan II.

Menurut Prof. Shelly Kagan, Bunuh Diri selalu diasosiasikan dengan suatu irasionalitas dan/atau imoralitas. Malah, ketika tindakan bunuh diri itu rasional, perbuatan tersebut tetap saja kerap dianggap imoral.
Contohnya, pasien yang mengalami koma selama bertahun-tahun atau yang sangat tersiksa oleh penyakitnya (yang bahkan belum ada obatnya), kerabatnya pasti akan menginginkan pasien tersebut terus hidup.

Lantas, bagaimanakah perbuatan bunuh diri itu  jika dilihat secara moral dan rasional?

Moralitas

Dari perspektif moralitas, tentu saja, tindakan bunuh diri itu dianggap buruk karena tindakan tersebut dinilai melanggar kodrat/kehendak Tuhan. Kehidupan dianggap sebagai sebuah kado yang diberikan untuk kita. Namun, bagaimana jika kita tidak menyukai kado tersebut?

Bagaimana jika orang memberi makanan yang tak kita sukai? Apakah harus kita habiskan?
Entahlah.

Kemudian, tindakan bunuh diri kerap diasosiasikan dengan tindakan yang egois karena tindakan tersebut hampir selalu melukai keluarga, kerabat dan orang yang menyayangi kita. Si pelaku bunuh diri selalu digambarkan sebagai orang yang gegabah/tidak peduli terhadap perasaan orang lain.
Orang bilang, “Pembunuhan itu hal yang buruk, maka membunuh diri sendiri juga buruk.”

Namun, bagaimana jika tindakan bunuh diri itu kita lakukan untuk mengakhiri penderitaan? Bagaimana jika kita bunuh diri untuk menghindari kehidupan yang lebih buruk? 

Aku sering mendengar bahwa 'persetujuan' dapat memutarbalikan moralitas. Pembunuhan atas bandar narkoba yang diberi persetujuan oleh negara dapat diterima oleh masyarakat. Pembunuhan orang-orang komunis beberapa dekade silam pun dapat dianggap wajar dengan persetujuan dari pemerintah pada saat itu. Di arena tinju, orang dapat saling memukul karena ada persetujuan, tidak seperti di jalan raya/sekolah/kantor.

Namun, bunuh diri yang notabenenya mendapat 'persetujuan' dari si pelaku, perlu dipertimbangkan pula usia, kesehatan psikis, rasionalitas, dan pengalaman orang tersebut. Selain itu, konsep 'persetujuan' dalam konteks ini juga dapat diperdebatkan, bayangkan saja jika tiba-tiba ada orang yang memberi kita izin untuk membunuhnya.

Sejatinya, membahas persoalan tindakan bunuh diri melalui perspektif moralitas memang tak akan pernah habis.

Rasionalitas

Ketika mempertanyakan rasionalitas dari perbuatan bunuh diri, kita karus mempertimbangkan dalam keadaan bagaimanakah bunuh diri itu tepat dan dapat diterima akal sehat. 

Namun, permasalahannya adalah apakah kita bisa mempercayai pertimbangan kita?

Salah satu cara mempertimbangkannya adalah dengan cara memeriksa keadaan kita sekarang dan keadaan yang mungkin terjadi kemudian; apakah lebih baik atau malah lebih buruk. Jika lebih buruk, lebih baik mati saja!

Dalam kelas filsafat ini, kematian dianggap sebagai suatu ketiadaan. Sebuah bilangan nol. Oleh karena itu, jika setelah mempertimbangkan, kehidupan kita akan semakin memburuk, kita lebih baik mati, karena nol lebih baik daripada negatif.

Berikut adalah diagram kapan waktu yang tepat untuk melakukan bunuh diri.

Gambar 1

Keterangan:

1. Garis horizontal menunjukan usia seseorang yang bergerak dari kiri ke kanan; dari lahir hingga meninggal.
2. Garis vertikal di sebelah kanan menunjukan batas usia seseorang. Pada contoh di atas, usia orang tersebut adalah 80 tahun ketika ia mengalami kematian normal (tidak karena bunuh diri/dibunuh).
3. Garis vertikal di sebelah kiri menunjukan kualitas hidup seseorang; semakin tinggi, semakin bahagia orang tersebut.

Pada contoh di atas, terdapat dua orang yang memiliki kehidupan yang berbeda. Orang pertama (garis atas) memulai hidup dengan kualitas yang sangat baik, namun seiring berjalannya waktu, kualitas kehidupannya mengalami penurunan. Namun, jika ia bunuh diri pada titik A, ia akan mengalami kerugian karena sisa kehidupannya masih relatif baik (berada di atas garis tengah).

Berbeda dengan orang kedua, pada contoh ini, tindakan bunuh diri merupakan suatu hal yang rasional karena di penghujung hidupnya, ia hanya akan mengalami kemerosotan kualitas hidup. Lantas, kapan waktu yang tepat untuk bunuh diri? Pada titik B, tindakan bunuh diri dianggap tdak tepat, karena dia akan kehilangan beberapa tahun masa hidupnya yang masih berada di atas garis horizontal, walaupun semakin memburuk. 

Pada titik D, tindakan bunuh diri sudah terlambat. Pada titik C lah waktu yang paling tepat, karena, secara umum, ketiadaan dianggap lebih baik daripada kehidupan yang berada di bawah garis horizontal.

Gambar 2

Pada gambar kedua, situasinya sedikit berbeda. Orang ini terlahir dalam situasi yang relatif buruk. Kemudian, kehidupannya membaik seiring berjalannya waktu dan walaupun kehidupannya mengalami keadaan sulit, di  akhir hayatnya, dia akan hidup bahagia.

Ketika melewati titik Y, kehidupan orang tersebut akan semakin merosot sampai berada di titik nadir. Namun, jika ia memilih melakukan bunuh diri, dia akan melewatkan masa-masa indah di masa akhir kehidupannya.

Seperti inilah kehidupan kita. Hanya saja, kita tidak mengetahui diagram kehidupan kita. Ketika hidup kita menanjak, kita lupa bahwa kita mungkin akan jatuh; dan ketika kita jatuh, kita lupa bahwa mungkin nanti kita akan naik.

Menurutku, bunuh diri hampir selalu bukanlah hal yang tepat. Karena 1) kita tidak bisa memprediksi garis kehidupan kita; 2) seterjal apapun jalan hidup kita sekarang, selalu ada kemungkinan bahwa suatu saat (sebelum kematian normal) garis kehidupan kita akan menanjak; dan 3) kita nyaris tak akan bisa mempertimbangkan hal ini karena faktor psikis, ketenangan, pengalaman dan usia kita; sehingga, sangat sulit untuk mendapatkan sebuah gambaran yang jernih tentang jalan keluar apa yang paling rasional. Dalam hal seperti ini, bahkan diri sendiripun tidak bisa kita percayai.

Aku menyayangkan banyaknya angka bunuh diri orang-orang yang berumur relatif muda. 

Mungkin saja kehidupan mereka hanya sedang mengalami suatu penurunan kecil.

Mungkin juga tidak.

Tak ada yang tahu.

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Do You Remember?

I once told you
I am afraid I will remember 
For years, decades or a lifetime
After the inevitable ending

I wonder if you still remember me, now

Sometimes, I hope you will never be happy
And find another
So you will regret
Walking away from me

If I had a say to choose
Which ending we could have had
I would choose the one with cursing
Or humiliation 

Not the one with tears
Nor the words 'I Love You'

H.

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Meaninglessness

It has been a while since the last time I posted on this blog. Writing has always one of my favourite things, yet, I had no impulse to play the tuts on the keyboard lately. 

This takes me back to last year when I was a tour guide. At that time, on a holiday season, I took too many tourists to too many places, which nauseated me. It bores me. By then, I cannot differentiate working to vacationing. Everything is mingled into a greyish dough of monotonous boredom. I did not know what to do when I was not working since I associated vacationing with working.

This scares me. I am afraid my current job, which involves a lot of writing, has turned another colour in my life into other monochromatic radiations. I am now associating writing with working.

What scares me more is that the possibility that writing is not really my passion, which means that, at this moment, I have nothing to lean on and to project into, which means that another meaning of my life is gone, which means that my life is getting more and more meaningless than the meaningless state of what it has been.

I guess I am turning into the man of this new era. I am good at nothing. I am only doing something for the betterment of my life, to purchase things for the sake of my survival and petty needs of instant self-gratification.

I am only a meaningless-replaceable spectator, watching other people success and excel at whatever they are doing. I watch football/movies, see successful entrepreneurs or read novels/books without being able to properly play, start a business, act or write. I do not even know what my true passion is, let alone to go for it.

As far as I can think, I am very good at being a sheep, walking only to the direction set by the shepherds, or by fear of their dogs. I am a very good citizen, I work hard to buy many things. 

I exchange my labour with junk food I ate more than what my body could handle, and sometimes buy some fancy stuffs to feed my fragile ego that needs constant confirmations and acknowledgments.

I wish I were born in Mecca or Medina 14 hundreds years ago. I would have struggled and fought side by side with Muhammad PBUH. Else, I would prefer to be born a century ago, so I could be with Soekarno, defending my country.

Sometimes a part of me wonders, ‘why am I here? What contribution do I make? What in this world is better because of me?’

…and then, another part of me answers, ‘Nothing I can think of’.

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Freedom

To me, freedom derives from choices; choices to do or be one thing over the other. I think I am free now. Yet, I sleep a little too late and wake up a little too early. My time is a little too short, my body is a little too tired, and my wallet is a little too thin for a vacation. So, I am a little less humane and a little too mechanistic than ‘free’ human beings. 

Then, I asked myself, “Am I a slave?”

From all the books that I have read, all teachers that I have learned from, and all things that I have experienced, I think, freedom comes from abundance or hard work—which is the opposite of freedom itself. 

In college, the students are freer than the ones in high school. They are free to go to class or not, to do assignment or not, and to study or not (without being treated as running away criminals). They have choices whether to be lazy or not. That is freedom. However, at the last semester, they have to sacrifice their sleep to study, they have to understand the lesson if they wanted to pass the subject. That is absolutely the opposite of freedom.

Workers have a choice to quit their job and claim their freedom to sleep, read, hang out, travel, and do anything they want for the rest of their life. That is freedom. For a little while, they will run out of money. Then, they will be desperately in need for a job. That is not freedom.

People are free to smoke, to do drugs, to eat junk food and to sit on a couch all the time. That is freedom until they were diagnosed with severe illness. Then, they are deprived from all of those things that they like. In fact, they have to do certain exercises or therapies and have daily or weekly check up with a doctor. 

Are people free to choose whom to marry or they have no other choices since no one else (good enough) wants them so that they choose the least bad candidate?

It is from intelligence and discipline you can choose whether to sleep or hang out in final weeks of the semester. 

It is from wealth you can choose sleeping or travelling at any given day. 

It is from good health you can choose to eat junk food or sweets. 

It is from a high quality life you can choose a high quality person to marry—since a low quality person can only attract high quality person on movies.

We can never be free. There are visible and invisible strings that bind us, but some are freer than others.

A crippled bird cannot walk, a broken-winged bird cannot fly, a caged bird can fly a little, and other birds can fly only in a certain height. Some birds can fly higher than other birds but all birds cannot fly high enough to go beyond the Earth's atmosphere.

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This idea came to me when I was fueling my gas. I always choose the gas station that is on my left side (so that I do not have to cross) and less long-queued, at least 2 or 3 bikes queuing. I always had enough gas so that I could skip and choose.  Yet, at that time I was running out of gas. Then I saw a gas station that was on my right side and there were about 15 bikes queuing. I did not have any choice.

Peka

Peka

Dalam satu hari, aku dapat melihat banyak hal. Ketika berkendara, aku melihat sekumpulan orang yang membangun gubuk, kemungkinan tidur dan makan juga, di antara timbunan sampah. Kemudian, di rumah, aku melihat pemberitaan di televisi mengenai kasus kekerasan seksual—ditambah pembunuhan—pada anak dan perempuan yang sudah seperti jamur di musim penghujan. Akupun bertanya-tanya, “Kok bisa gitu sih?”

Kemudian, aku ingat cerita tentang alegori katak dalam air panas. Intinya kira-kira seperti ini, “Jika kita memasukan seekor katak ke dalam panci berisi air yang sudah mendidih, pasti dia akan langsung melompat ke luar; sedangkan jika kita memasukannya ke dalam air dingin yang sedikit demi sedikit kita panaskan, katak itu akan beradaptasi sampai airnya mendidih dan ia pun mati”.

Mitos ataupun fakta, menurutku yang penting adalah nilai yang bisa dipetik dari alegori tersebut. Salah satu mekanisme primordial pertahanan hidup sel adalah dengan cara beradaptasi dan menyesuaikan diri dengan lingkungan dan keadaan. Inilah salah satu alasan mengapa ada orang yang dapat membangun gubuk di antara pegunungan sampah. Aku yakin tidak ada orang yang dapat bersantap dan terlelap di sana dengan seketika. Awalnya, mungkin mereka akan merasa mual, lama-kelamaan, karena terbiasa, merekapun sudah tidak peka lagi terhadap bebauan yang sudah menjadi bagian dari keseharian mereka. Mungkin bila aku ada di posisi mereka, akupun akan mampu beradaptasi.

Film biru pun seperti itu, seorang anak lelaki berusia 13 tahun yang baru pertama kali menonton film itu kemungkinan besar akan merasa jijik. Beberapa saat kemudian, dia mulai terbiasa dan bosan dengan adegan ‘biasa’; akhirnya, batas toleransinya akan meningkat, dia tidak akan merasa puas jika hanya menonton adegan yang ‘biasa’. Saat itu dia akan mencari kategori film yang ‘luar biasa’ dan akhirnya tidak akan merasa puas apabila hanya menonton.

Rokok juga seperti itu, ketika pertama kali merokok, teman SMA-ku pingsan dan muntah-muntah setelah menghisap sebungkus rokok dalam satu hari. Hal itu terjadi karena tubuhnya masih peka terhadap racun rokok. Semakin lama, bagaikan katak yang sudah terbiasa, dia pun dapat menghabiskan satu hingga dua bungkus rokok dalam satu hari dan merasa sangat bahagia. Si Katak mulai merasa nyaman dalam air yang membunuhnya secara perlahan.

Kekerasan dalam Rumah Tangga (KDRT) pun kurasa seperti itu. Katakanlah pihak pria yang melakukan KDRT. Ketika dalam masa pendekatan, bila Sang Pria langsung memaki dan memukul pasangannya, hampir pasti Sang Wanita akan langsung meninggalkannya. Namun, pada kebanyakan kasus, hal ini terjadi secara bertahap. Sesaat sebelum menikah atau pada usia pernikahan yang masih muda, Sang Wanita mungkin merasa bahwa pasangannya agak kasar, namun—dengan kepercayaan bahwa dia akan berubah—dia tetap bertahan. Akhirnya, setelah sekian lama, agresifitas Sang Pria akan semakin meningkat seiring dengan meningkatnya batas toleransi Sang Wanita. Hingga Sang Wanita pun akhirnya menyadari bahwa batas ketahanan tubuhnya tidak lebih tinggi daripada batas toleransi psikisnya.

Terakhir, apakah Anakin Skywalker semerta-merta berubah menjadi Darth Vader? Apakah dia langsung bergabung dengan ‘Kegelapan’? Ataukah perubahannya terjadi secara bertahap, di mana kepekaan semakin berkurang dalam setiap kenaikan tahap-tahapnya.

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Berbeda dengan Sang Katak, aku terlahir dalam panci yang berisi air. Aku beranjak dewasa dalam panci itu. Mungkin airnya makin panas, mungkin makin dingin. Aku tidak tahu. Satu Celsius takkan terasa. Mungkin aku akan tahu di akhir nanti, tapi mungkin sudah terlambat.

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Why I Waste My Time on Writing

Why I Waste My Time on Writing

One of many things that I do not like about myself is that I am so forgetful. I have been trying to retain my precious knowledge and childhood memories only to find out that everything has run like a handful of sand and a gnawed leaf. That is, I think, one of the reasons why I bother wasting my time trying to manifest my thoughts to words.

I am aware that writing—just like remembering—is actually an act of creating instead of projecting reality from one mode into another. I am, however, okay with the approximation of it. I think I would be so glad to look back to it from different perspective when I am old—if I lived long enough.

I see my writing as a camera that captures moments. Even though the photographs are not the best and high-definition ones—even crappy sometimes—it is all I have got and I am grateful for that. This is my crappy old camera that I rely upon besides my small-sized-full-of-viruses memory card that frequently engulfs my precious contents I tried to keep.

I am surprised, most of the time, when I saw the images that I captured. Anything that I tried to capture—a beauty or crap—ended up being a crap or a worse crap. Maybe it is because the actual moment has been filtered through my limited senses and manifested by my limited linguistic resources. Anyway, it is a special kind of ‘worse’, though. This is my own ‘worse’, not anyone else’s ‘worse’ or even ‘best’.

At times, I do free-writing which I use as a mirror through which I see my reflection. There are so many things that I am unaware of about me. Thus, my writing is also a kind of selfie that I took and then inspected. I might be jolted by what I found. Sometimes, it is some parts in my face that I thought were not there, sometimes, it is a complete stranger’s face that scares me.

What a thrill!

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The Current

I am not considering myself a traveler or backpacker since I do not travel a lot. Anyway, I enjoy almost every time I travel—alone or with companion. Some of the time, I felt ecstatic when I saw the sun rise and set whether I was at a beach, mountain, or city I traveled. I was captivated by that moment. I literally paused and enjoyed the beauty of it. I know it sounds cliché, but that is the moments when I felt a strange kind of completeness and peace. Not only did I feel it when I saw the sun, but also when I woke up there, despite of having ‘panda’ eyes from a very instant sleep.

It makes me wonder, how come I felt completely different in my ‘normal’ day. I am the same person; the sun is the same sun; I breathe the same air and feel the same wind caressing my face. 

I want to have more of those moments. The moment when I looked at the sun at the horizon as I mumbled, ‘Good morning’, without lying about the ‘good’; the moment when I speak, ‘Good afternoon’, sincerely even though I felt so tired; and closed my eyes with the ‘Good night’ as I looked forward to catching up with tomorrow.

I lost the beauty of the present because my eyes kept looking at the future. 

It is as if I was in a meadow, walking and walking straight toward an unknown point. All the time, I worried too much about the path that I walked on, whether it was bumpy or slippery. I failed to realize that there are so many beautiful flowers and nice places at the sides. I did not know that there is nothing but a cliff at the end of the path. 

I realize that I had lived my entire life unconsciously. I failed to notice the beauty of anything around me. I cursed the sun that burnt my skin, the rain that dampened me, the weather that was too hot, the fact that I had to wake up so early, the lack of sleep, failed relationships, almost all the things. 

I distanced myself from anything that is 'not me'. 

I was too busy judging things, and people, as ‘nice’ and ‘not nice’ based on my personal preferences—which mostly turn out wrong. Falling from a bicycle that I labeled ‘not nice’ was actually a turning point when I could finally ride a bicycle. Being broke and dependent on public transportation for years—which I thought ‘not nice’, is actually one of the best moments for I could finish my assignments and read many textbooks and novels.

I demanded that life should be this and that. I did not know that I am the part of life. I am a drop of water in a great current of The River. I tried so hard to swim against the current and then failed and depressed. It is all just a thought that differentiates happiness with depression; a thought that can pause me to look at the beauty of life in my brief existence.

I am trapped in the current. I have no control whatsoever to move against the current since I am part of the current, in fact, I am the current. I, however, have some controls over where and how to look, and of course, how to respond.

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Happiness with the Capital H

To me, one of the ultimate purposes in life is to find Happiness. Then, where can I find this happiness? Some say it resides in money, relationship, travelling, raising children, or simple things such as smoking while drinking coffee in the morning.  I, however, do not think this is the case. Don’t get me wrong. Those are nice things, but to me, it is not a true Happiness since it will not last simply because human mind is so adaptable to changes—either good or bad ones.

Three to four years ago, I completely depended on public transportation. I was so broke; the money that I had was just enough for transportation and mineral water. I could not go places and all I knew was just the route from my home to campus. At that time, I said to myself that I would be happy and fulfilled if I had a bike and some money.

Let’s cut the long story short, I got some freelance jobs and then I had some money to buy a secondhand bike. I was so happy. Then, my ‘default state’ leveled up. After a while, I want more. I did not feel that happiness any longer. After that, I thought getting good grades would make me happy. Then, I got quite good grades. I was happy. Later, I felt empty inside. Then, I thought flirting with some cute girls would make me happy. When I did it, I was happy. Later, I felt empty inside again. I would either want something more or something else.

If I won a hundred million Rupiah lottery, I would buy a Jet Ski and be so happy. After a while, my happiness level would go up to a new ‘default state’. In a few months, after riding that Jet Ski a hundred times, I probably would get bored and forget the happiness when I won the lottery and the Jet Ski—like my bike. Let’s say that a year later, I got robbed, lost the Jet Ski, and ended up becoming a bum. I was so depressed. My ‘default state’ would go down. Then, in a random day, I found 15.000 Rupiah on the street. I would be so happy, and then I bought some food. The next day, I would feel empty inside again and a voice in my head would ask, ‘I want more!' or 'Now what?’

I realized that I am trapped in a crazy loop, and I have to find a more permanent source of Happiness—yes, the one with capital H.

It may seem that I am very hard to please.

To be frank, I felt happy when I was in a relationship; in an amusement park when I got on some rides that pump my adrenaline; when I was hanging out with my friends; also, over small things such as watching movies, reading books, having an ice cream, and having silly random conversations about things like, ‘what is your favorite color?’, ‘What do you fear the most?’, or ‘What kind of death do you prefer?’.

However, then, I always felt empty inside when I went home after those activities. To be precise, it is shortly after I mumbled, ‘That was fun!’

"Happiness seems to be a fountain of youth. They spend all their time searching for it. They leave their houses not knowing that their time is running out…" 

 When I was alone at home after boosted by one of those pills of excitements, a voice in my head would ask for something more or something else. It is crazy how it craves more and more ‘pills’. It is as if I was a drug addict and my mind kept screaming, “I want more! I want more! Give me more!” and then, if I could not get what it wanted, I would have a withdraw syndrome. Then, I felt sad or even depressed.

That is why many people would find a shortcut for stimulation like drug, alcohol, cigarette, porn, confirmation on social media, boyfriend/ girlfriend, and many more. These types of people would have a roller-coaster mood swing. They would be happy and then sad in a short period of time. You may have a friend, girlfriend, or boyfriend, who grumbles on social media because he/she felt that nobody was around when he/she is depressed as if everybody is responsible for his/her happiness. Yet, he/she thinks they are responsible. 

That is currently what happens to a majority of people—sometimes, I am included.

"In front of a genie, a bum wished for a great job, big mansion, a beautiful wife, and cute kids (Yes, he got 4 wishes, this is different lamp). He got that. One day his wife took the kids to go shopping. Five hours later, they had not come back. He wondered what if his wife met a cool guy and cheated with him; what if someone kidnapped his kid; what if they got robbed. Then, He got a heart attack."

Where is It?

As long as I live, I thought Happiness is outside while, in fact, it is inside my mind. There is nothing outside that can make me happy and fulfilled in the long run. 

From my readings, one of the ways to unhook the monkeys on our back is by self-isolation for one or two hours, or more. What I meant is by unplugging all sources of stimulation. Then, try to be still and comfortable. We should notice how our mind reacts on this. Within minutes, it would create a withdraw syndrome. It is like treating a drug addict, in a way. 

Being aware is very important since only a few people can even understand this. Then, we might need to do self-affirmation, meditation, and contemplation so that we can be more aware of the now and have an attitude of gratitude.

There are many steps ahead that you need to know. You may want to know the science of it by researching on neurotransmitter and Dopamine something. Yet, this is not a Self-Help post. Go help yourself! 

Now, I might seem like a monk who does not need money, friends, girlfriends, and other worldly things. Of course not, in fact I want that all. I am suggesting a less neurotic kind of life, though. In social context, I think it would be nice to be firstly happy inside, so that instead of intoxicating other people’s mood, we can be positive or at least be neutral to others.  Moreover, I think it is great to be happy without external stimulation.

Also, keep in mind that I am not promoting being emotionless. 

If in the left side we have someone with Bipolar Disorder and in the right side we have a Psychopath monster, it would be great to be somewhere in a middle; a stable human being who understands his/her emotion; a human being who looks.

"Happiness seems to be a fountain of youth. They spend all their time searching for it. They leave their houses not knowing that their time is running out. In their deathbed, they regret and mumble, “It is here all along”."

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I am not writing fact here. This is merely my story and it may be right as it may be wrong. Maybe money is the ultimate Happiness, or boyfriend/ girlfriend, or career, or a Jet Ski, or  watching movies, or reading books. I don't know. Maybe.

On Life

On Life

Currently, I spend more of my time on the road rather than on the actual working. It is actually better, though, since I could have wasted more time on the road if I had worked at one of the companies or institutions that I applied before. Anyway, I am used to it.

Yes, I am used to all the hustle and bustle on the road. To me, there is no noise anymore; it has been the music orchestrated to background my day. It has been my routine. Even, now, I feel that my involuntary system does all the riding while I am wondering in some strange land of imagination and contemplation.

To me, the road—especially that I crossed almost every day—has made people less humane. They pace up their bikes or cars like a madman. It is a normality to see someone fall from their bikes or get hit by a car, or bus. I do not know why they risk their life; I cannot comprehend why they sacrifice their life, for what? It may be to be on time to work, which leads me to ask further questions on the reason why they are always in hurry or why they are always in the oh-my-god-I-will-be-late state of situation.

It is so difficult to make a U-turn without constant fear that some madman would hit me from the back, or any sides. The road and routines have robbed the humanity out of human. I see nothing but robots instead of good loving fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, children, or cousins.

Then, suddenly, I got a message that my cousin—who is also my best friend since childhood—dies in a bike crash. Yes, he dies; not died nor passed away; he dies! The death is not the past; it never stops haunting me. For other people, it maybe just some news like, “Honey, I saw a man die today. He was so young, I feel so sorry for him. Anyway, where is my dinner?”

It is not like that for me even though I cannot do anything more than what those random people do.

That is the reality screaming at my face that life matters. Yes, life matters! Not only the life of my cousin or people who I know or love, but also every other life of people who is a complete stranger to me.

Even though it seems natural, it is so egotistical, though, to think that one’s life is more important than others’; even to think that my mother’s life is more important than my neighbor’s mother’s life. 

Anyway, that is what it is and it is how it must be; and I am inextricably tied with it.

Please, drive and ride safe. If it is not for you, then, drive and ride safe for the people who love you; or the life of a strangers—who is at stake—and the people who love them.

There is no job that outweighs life for we can find other jobs. 

There is no dinnertime that outweighs life for we can arrange some more. 

There is no family-time that outweighs life for there is no family-time if there is no life.

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Dedicated to the life and death of my dearest cousin,

Attias Pradipta,

May, 16^th 1992 — March, 24^th 2016,

Rest in Peace, Brother. I’ll see you soon.