Missing

I felt this loneliness ever since I left the house I was in during the community service program. Well, here is the thing; I had never despised something than I did to this program. I hated this program for a couple of reasons; first, it deprived me from my girlfriend; and second, I did not like the people in my group.

The things turned out that I opposed all things about the community service program. I was being a nonchalant slug who slept all the time and turned myself against my group. Anyway, I did this so that I could see people from different perspectives from what I used to. I mean, I could see their reaction toward me from the perspective of a despicable and subordinate person, instead of a usual Hananta. Another reason, furthermore, was that I do not want any of the people in my group to like me, neither men nor women. I am not saying that they will like me if I am being my best self; it is just in case.

The things, however, were getting better as times goes by. The constant kindness from some of them and almost all of the community were like a slap on my face reminding me that there are still virtues even in my worst assumption concerning everything in the community service I despised.

One night, I could not sleep for the silences seemed to be the annoying noises on my ears. I heard sounds of the guilt from the past and the roaring demands from the future. I, then, turned the mp3 player and made some noises; the noises helped me sleep because it muffled all the metaphoric noises that may come from the unexpected chambers in my head.

The next morning, things even got better and I was being more supportive to this community service program. I tried to get into this program ever since.

On the third week, I was in my best mood. I love teaching the children Aqidah, Hadith, Fiqh, and some other religious things I had barely read. I love talking with the teenagers and the youth about how things worked this and that way. I love listening to the stories told by the old people. I love knowing that by then I realized that the society has always had an exotic stories and secrets that cannot be seen only with the analytic self-observation without plunging myself into the society; and one of the most important things is that I faced my greatest fear and answered my question about me delivering a sermon from the podium to be heard from all corners in the village.

Yesterday, I had to leave that village. I was happy at first that I would soon go home and meet my family. When I got home, however, things did not work as I expected. I took a shower and then found out that I missed the situation in that village already.

I feel so lonely.

Here is the thing about loneliness, it is nothing but a feeling we got after the accompaniment. It is the metamorphosis of togetherness that vanishes slowly or all at once.

I, however, have something to say about this loneliness. This is my own loneliness, the one that is born and died in me; not the one that anyone inflicted on me.