An Analogy of Love

When you love someone, you are flying with tens balloons in your hand. You will fly, higher... higher... until a certain height. You can see the anything differently from that new perspective. Clouds which become the ornaments of the blue sky as a flock of white sheep in the blue meadow that are delicately grazed by the tender hand of the unseen. The beautiful sun which exotically plays with its golden hair that is awake, and asleep in the horizon. Everything will be more beautiful than ever.

However, there will be a time that your hand will be tired, or the balloon will burst at certain height, and by that time, you will fall into the ground, the very same place where you start, but with the pain of falling. 

The longer you hold the balloon, the higher you will fly. The higher you fly, the more pain you will feel when you fall. The longer you hold the balloon, the more pain you will get from the falling.

By loving, you will surely always feel pain, either it is at the beginning, in the middle, or at the end of the moment. There will always be a separation within the loving people, either it is in the form of divorcement, or death.

Finally, everyone you love, will merely be the one you used to love. At that time, there is no other things you can do, but to wait, waiting for the time to do his magnificent task, to make all the weary nostalgia evaporate to the sky, to be a vapor which later will fall as drizzle that will wash away your grief.

The love that makes you cry in happiness, is the same love that makes you cry in sadness...

Quote of the Day

I get home at 10 p.m.  

What a tiring day, as usual. I will be sleeping by 11 p.m., and waking up at 4 a.m, doing all the overwhelming assignments.

Those are my routines, but I don't know why I never felt bored with these routines, because in every routine, there is always something new.

This afternoon I learnt a new thing about being a leader. I remember a quote, if I am not wrong, the quote is like this:

If you want to be a tall tree, you will have to be used to with the wind. The taller you are, the more windy you will feel, and if you don't want to be struck by the wind, don't be a tall tree - (Pramoedya Ananta)

This is what I learnt today, I realize how hard it is to be a leader, to have a power. Once you make a mistake, it will be exposed.

I am a leader of myself indeed, and every time I make a mistake, the other parts of me will get the consequences, I will be haunted by the guilt. Maybe I will be a real leader someday, and by that time, I am sure that I will have learnt many things about being a leader, making mistakes, and fixing them.

Making mistake, and finding that it was a mistake. Life lies between those two things.

Good night.

Aim of Life: A Simple Conversation

I really don't have any idea about what is going to happen in my life. For these weeks, everything turns unpredictable. The time has lighted some dark corners in my surroundings that previously have not been seen, and strung up by itself into a plausible anomaly.

A few days ago, a crazy thought from a weirdo has made me contemplate with myself for days.

That was started in the evening when I went home with him. I asked him the reason why he ruined his own life (academically), and the things he was up to. He simply answered that he was in some sort of dilemma. In the one hand he wanted to be free, and in the other hand, he was surrounded by college and life's responsibilities.

By that time I asked him, " What is the meaning of freedom?".

He simply said, "Freedom is happiness, it is doing anything what I want, unlike attending the classes, doing the assignments, and following what others do".

Then I said, "I think all people never really can be free if you define freedom like that. I am doing the routines of life, yet I am happy. I always feel the freedom in the middle of the routines".

"Everybody wants freedom, don't they?", and then he added, "Do you wanna be in a jail?".

"I am talking about freedom in thought, not literally. Everybody won't ever get the freedom in here. They, including us will always be a slave, a slave of the routines life, a slave of the things we have to do. You are old enough to think of your future! If you haven't, at least you can think of what your parents think if you failed". I said.

He paused for a moment, and then inquired me another things, "You are so active. What is the aim of your life anyway?"

"I don't know. I don't even know what I am going to be. I don't know what is my skill. I don't know what I am capable of doing", after a moment of thinking, I spoke up, "Yeah that is why I come for almost all of the classes. Maybe I can find out what I am capable of".

"Don't you wanna be a free person like me? or being a rich people?. I think being a rich man is freedom".

"No, I don't think so. I think being rich is more enslaving, you have another thing to be worried about. I read a novel, it says that the free people are the vagabond. They don't have to think of their possessions since they don't have any. They don't have to think of their responsibility to the society. They can go anywhere because they don't have any house to think of. Just think of the 'here' and the 'now'. Isn't it freedom?".

"Yeah you are right" he whispered. "I am wondering why you so concern with my study? I mean, what is the good for you if I succeed or fail?", he inquired.

"That is the purpose of my life that I know. I just wanna be useful for others. Doing a favor for others. I mean, that is the most plausible and simple goals I can define. If I wanted to be rich, living in a happy marriage with a beautiful wife and nice children, I will always want more. anyway, I may lose them all. Those things may be taken away from me anytime. My house, my wife, children. So being useful to other is more achievable for me".

"You mean putting your head under someone else foot?", he asked.

"The sense is not like that, but the point is that. Anyway, I was failed, it will be nice if I saw my friends succeed. That is simple right?" 

That was the last conversation before I reached home.

We can get lesson from anything as long as we think.

The Winter Lady

Once upon a time, there was a prosperous country with the green trees in the western side of the country, and the blue lake in the east where the shinning sun born in the horizon. The herds of animals were living happily in the wide meadow, blanketed with the bushes and flowers that witnessed the magnificent of warm sun that replaced by the tranquil moon. But it was merely the past, before the land was cursed.

There lived an old lady who spent her day and night thinking about the prince, when the royal family along with the lancer past through the country after walking around the land, she did everything to get the attention and love from the prince, she shouted, calling out the prince, but what she got was only humiliation from all the people.

The prince was sorry for the lady, but he could do nothing.

The old lady ran away to alienate herself in the middle of the forest. The seasons were changing in, the spring, summer, and autumn complemented each other with their eternal beauty. Her love to the prince kept increasing and gradually reached into a state of hatred, she despised all she could not get. She wobbled to an old well in the deep of the forest, and threw three rocks to it. Suddenly, from the deep dark well, appeared a white creature with a fang in the side of his mouth, it was the demon of frost.

“I know what you want” The demon said.

“Help me to do what I want, and I will give you anything”

“Anything?” The demon grimaced.

“Yes, anything...” said the old lady.

And then they talked.

In the first time in that land, there were flakes of snow felt from the sky, all the people scattered around, and amazed by the snowflakes they had never seen before. The days were passing by, the weather was getting colder and colder, all the green meadow turned into white rug, the blue lake transformed into white glaze which devour those who walk on it.

It was June, but everything was still the same, frozen, and dead. Starvation and famine were crawling to every corner of the houses in that country. There was no more food, the field was frozen, and the animals were dead.

The prince stood by the window, examining the snowflakes, every time the snow melt, he could see the sad face of the old lady who was trapped in it.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you for all the time, but now, you get my attention” He looked up the white sky and said in low voice “The good thing is that we can see each other now, you can touch me with the flakes of your cold body, and melt in my hand before I swallow you, and make you part of my body”

One by one the people of the country were found dead. There were only the prince and the princess life in their warm mansion, with only a few foods left.

“It has been a year, and we cannot stay here forever” The prince initiated to speak.

“We can go nowhere” The princess answered hopelessly.

“We can! There is a place where we can go, we just have to pass the lake, and we will find spring at the other side of the country--” The prince responded vigorously.

“--And we will die, devoured by the ice glaze” Interrupted the princess.

“We will die anyway, what is the different? We may die here, or we may die there in trying” The prince rose, he added “If we tried, at least there will be a chance”

”No! I have seen so many people died in that lake. That's the fact”

The prince sat, looked into her eyes, and said "Well, Fact leaves no room for possibility. If you regarded it as fact, everything is over. There is nothing I can say"

“Okay, no matter what will happen, I am going to stay right here, in my place, nobody can take me out of my personal space, including you. I’m just not ready to go out and let anything bad happen to me”

“Bad thing is that what is created by yourself, and will be soon transformed into fear, and that fear will be a big wall that will block you in any ways. I’m so sorry for my incapability to take you with me”

Then the prince left her, he trudged to pass the ice glaze, several times, he got his foot broke through the ice glaze, and for several times he could not feel his feet. Eventually, he found a spot of light at the part when he was about to die in frozen.

The prince opened his eyes and found out his people who were previously devoured by the glaze, and he fainted for the second times.

“Look, he is alive” he heard a voice, and soon he heard another voice “Oh thanks God, he is okay”

With a very low voice, the prince inquired “Where is this? Am I dead? Why are you all here? I thought--” 

One of the men interrupted “We are still in the country, we have just trapped in our deepest fear, once we go through it, and we are safe”

The prince frowned and then asked “What about those who don’t?” 

“I’m afraid they won’t survive, all the curses are merely hallucination, and it can always be broken either by true love or real bravery”

Then the prince went outside, in the way, he found everything was still the same as the previous land, the green meadow and the blue lake, and then he remembered the princess, so he rushed to the mansion, searched all the mansion, and found the princess stood by the window directed to the lake, with the orbs of crystals on her cheeks, frozen.

Letter to Pertiwi

Dear Pertiwi, the mother of nature

How beautiful you are with the enthralling panorama

How rich you are with thousands miscellaneous ethnics and cultures

My love for you won’t be cracked by time, nor be faded by dust

 It will be eternal within your heart

Oh my dear Indonesia…

You have been a little old, and a bit different than what you used to be

You look frail, loose and wobbly

What happened to you?

Are you weeping at your trees chopped by the greedy hands?

Are you crying at your miserable people oppressed by the aristocracy?

Are the gnawing rats hurting you?

I don’t know... but I can feel your pain

Verily! I don’t want to see you drop your tears any more than this

But I can’t do this by myself…

What I can do is just hang up my hope on you

So you can be better than this

So that the homeless can get their proper shelter

So that the uneducated can get their proper education

So that the cultural and natural wealth remain ours

May this is not just my wishful thinking

Best regards from your people

New Perspective

Gathering stalks of the meaningless things into a bundle of something meaningful

Every single thing that happened to me was already written by the hand of the unseen.

The first time I think about it, I did not believe at this thing at all, because as I know, everything happened because of the human’s effort. I believe in God, but I believe in human’s effort and consequences as well.

But, something has changed my perspective about what happened to me.

One day, I was kicked out by a lecturer because I chatted with my friend. I was very ashamed, and feeling regret of course, but anyway I deserved to be kicked out from that class.

Then I walked out the class along with my friend, whom was kicked out from the class as well. We were bowed, and regretted. I think it was normal if she became so upset, for it was her first time being kicked out from the class, and that was with my contribution, I felt sorry for her and for me as well.

But in despair, and gloom tone after felt the wrath of the lecturer, the nice things began to happen; I never thought I would be so gratitude for being kicked out from the class. In the way I unintentionally met someone who treated me for a dinner, and after a very long interesting talk, I walked her home.

After that, I realized that I had left my jacket in my friend’s boarding house, so then I visited her just to take it and went home instead because the clock was almost pointed at 9 p.m. But everything did not walk as what I planned; in her boarding house I had another very long talk. Interesting talk, I did not know why I was so engaged in almost every chat with some people, and I was still wondering why most people almost always tell their secrets to me, the things that they did not want people to know. I was impressed too because I felt good when someone believed me.

In the evening, I realized that the one small miserable thing has brought me to a very interesting life I had never expected. So I always think that there is no such a thing as a totally miserable thing, because everything is like a coin, they have 2 sides. If I sometimes find one side, I will get the other side for a moment later as I turned the coin.

Everything that happened in our life has its own meaning and when we can understand the meaning, we can grasp the meaning of life.

Flower day

The Story of Jack

It was all started in the 'flower day', the day when all popular girls gt all the flower while the nerd, like me, would better stay outside the class unless those popular girls would say to you with a phony anguished face "I'm sorry you don't get any flower again, wanna take mine?". 

I had never known people would get so crap like that. When I was thinking about those popular girls, a boy, a messenger came with colourous blossom flowers on his hand, and asked me: 

"Are you Anna Watson?"

"Yeah" I said.

"This is for you, from Jack Downing" he said, and gave me letter "and please sign here"

"Wait.. wait it must be wrong. I don't even know this Jack whatsoever" I inquired.

"You're Anna Watson, aren't you? So that's for you" and he left.

I was wondering who this Jack Downing was, looking at the every inch of the blossoming flowers I had never got. It was like a dream. I found a memo on it, it was written: For you with love, By Jack Downing. Then I said to myself "Be calm Ann, this must be a joke, and he's laughing at my stupid face now"

When I got into the class, I found some girls staring at me with a frowning face, and then came. "Whom is that from Ann? I don't know you have a boyfriend. Let me see", they took it from me and read the memo aloud. I was waiting for the laughter, what I heard was nothing, but a silent. They were just staring at each other, in agape, until one of them inquired "Are you with Jack Downing?"

"I don't even know this Jack Downing. Who's he anyway?" I frowned. They started talking about him, some of them said that he was a son of the richest family in that town, some said he was a biggest playboy dated so many girls.

That was all I know about him, my first impression, and I should get away from this guy. In the evening, I slept over at Patsy's house to do some trigonometry assignments, because during her illness, she could not attend the class. After working out the assignments, everything got so bored, anyway, what did you expect when you were sticking around with a nerd with three-inch-thick glasses?. It was so bored, we were silent for almost half an hour, but it was almost like this ever since I slept over at her house, last week I tried to break the ice by asking her stuff concerning algebra, but things got more and more tedious because she explained it for ages, so I would not do the same mistake asking about math. So without any serious purposes, I inquired "Pat, do you know Jack Downing?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, and she said "I've told you all about him last week. Didn't you listen to me?"

"Did you? I thought you were talking about Algebra" I shrugged.

"Yeah, and then I talked about him" she retorted. A few minutes later she spoke "He is the reason why I learn so hard. He motivated me when I was down, depressed, at the lowest point of myself", her eyes moisten. Then I stood up, took some sheet of tissues, and handed it over to her. She stared at me, her eyes rained me suspiciously with thousands of questions that transfixed me. 

Nervously I clarified "Well, some of my classmates talked about him this afternoon. I just wondered who this guy is". Then she continued talking about that Jack.

From that, I was sure that this guy was some kind of teaser, moving on from one girl to another girl as he wanted without thinking a bit about what they felt. He was a fish that never satisfied and kept swallowing the water of life in his pond. I did not know why, but my hatred grew bigger and bigger toward him. Sometimes, I felt stupid, hating someone I did not even know, but I am a woman, I could and should think about other women's feeling.

The next Friday in flower day, I got another delivery, a red rose this time, and a memo written: There should not be a reason to love somebody, like I love you" but this time, he put his phone number. I tried to hide both the rose and the memo, for it was too dangerous if someone read it aloud, and Patsy would know.

In the evening, I tried to find out what his intention in giving me these things, so I called the phone number he left on the memo. "I've been waiting for your call" I heard a man's voice.

Nervously I inquired "Am I speaking to Jack Downing?"

"Yes" he said, "I am--"

But I interrupted "Would you stop doing all these jokes?"

"I am not joking" He said calmly "I mean it, all I ever said"

"Oh, please just stop it. I know you are good at flirting girls with your flowery words, but it won't work in me anyway" and I added "You're just wasting your time; you can do this with many girls, but not to me"

Then he answered "That's why I love you, I---"

I interrupted "I know you guys just love the skinny and sexy girls. You just make us as a stepping stone to gain popularity"

"No, I'm not. I mean, what's the point?" he paused, and continued "beauty is only temporarily. I don't count on that"

"Are you saying that love is blind, hah?" I retorted.

"No, love's not blind; it just doesn't need to see" he explained, and said  "Love is eternity, it won't seek beauty, beauty is perishable, it won't last"

"Whatever, and how about Patsy and anther girls you dumped?"

"I like Patsy as a friend. I just can't stand seeing someone depressed, so I raised her up. I motivated her"

"And how about the other girls?" I asked.

"Who do you mean? I just tried being friendly" and then he said "Well, it's nearly midnight, I'll call you tomorrow. Good night"

We had a talk on a phone every night, night over night and we got closer and closer. He was a nice person by the way, I had misjudged him all the time and I felt sorry for myself. 

One day, when I was learning prose, I realized that in characterization, we could get to know someone simply by hearing what another characters said about him, or by finding it out by ourselves, and now I know the right way. I felt in love with him for his sincerity, maybe some people would think that I was stupid or something, but I did not care, I am the one who know my own feeling, and what I wanted.

I had to do some math assignments, so I slept over at Patsy's house. I could not imagine how it would be if she knew. She kept telling me her feeling to Jack, how she loved him. I eager to say that Jack liked her as a friend, and we had been dating with me several times, but I just could not do it. I could not send her to her lowest point anymore.

These feeling of regret and repent attacked me on my heart. I just could not stand these burdens. One night I called Jack and said that our secret relationship would not work, and it had to be ended. He said without anger that the choice is mine, but I knew I broke his heart.

"Well, you are afraid of upsetting your friend, but you are upsetting yourself instead, upsetting us if I may say" He said.

But I had come up with that idea, I was born as a woman, I had to think about other women's feeling.

I don't know where he is now, what he is doing, but I am sure that he think about me, and although he looked strong, I know quite well that he is not stronger than I am. He just does not show it, does not want to talk about it with others, and just keep it with him.

Well that's my love story, a story of Jack.

A Story of a Woman - That's it?

Mystery, a Phenomenon

It had been a few weeks ever since I stalked a young lady. I saw her from a distance, staring at her long black hair hanging loose as a flowing river. I loved when she talked, I love when she smiled, I love when she walked, I love when she laughed, and I love everything she did. 

I saw her as the sun, a magnificent creation of God, but the thing I could I do was just staring at her from a distance, avoiding from dazzled, because I might be burnt as I walked closer to her side.

There was a mystery in the core of her heart reflected from a pair of her brown eyeballs that always left unexplainable thing in my mind. 

There was also mystery in her voice which kept reverberating in my soul, even when she didn’t say a word, as if a moon that raise the anger of a tranquil wave.

I was in the middle of her labyrinth, solving the unsolvable riddles.

As time goes by…

I walked with her, I talked to her, I laughed with her, and I did everything with her. As we got along, I felt her light emitted from the hollow of her heart, deep inside her heart, and I found the core of it.

As soon as I understood her light, it was seemed that she lost her light. It grew dimmer and dimmer, and eventually dark. There was no mystery any longer.

“That’s it?”

 “Ah.. I should not have solved the mystery..”

If you love for the sake of beauty

If you love for the sake of beauty

Friedrich Rückert (1788-1866)

Anonymous Translator

If you love for the sake of beauty, O never love me!
Love the sun, which has bright golden hair.
If you love for the sake of youth, O never love me!
Love the spring, which is reborn each year.
If you love for the sake of wealth, O never love me!
Love the mermaid, whose pearls are rich and clear.
If you love for the sake of love alone, O yes then, love me!
Love me as I love you—forever!

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This is actually my assignment, but because I like this poem, I feel like to post a part of my analysis here.

In short, the speaker states that if the listener loved her merely for the sake of her beauty, youth, or wealth, he should never love her, because her beauty, youth, and wealth is not going to stand forever, and  it will vanish in time. I think the speaker of this poem  is a wealthy young beautiful lady, yet agitated because she knows someday those will vanish gradually, and will turn into nothing.

“Love the sun, which has bright golden hair.” Unlike human’s beauty, Rückert represents the sun as a symbol for eternal beauty with its inextinguishable bright flare. Here he puts visual imagery portrays a lady looks up the beautiful bright sun hovering in the sky.

“Love the spring, which is reborn each year”, here, unlike the human’s youth which will be consumed by time, Rückert epitomizes the spring as something everlastingly young and never-get-old and dies because it will have always born each year until the end of time. Rückert expresses it by attaching visual imagery in implied depicts a meadow with a green grass and growing leaves, flying butterflies and blossoming flower.

“Love the mermaid, whose pearls are rich and clear.” Rückert represents the mermaid as the symbol of inexhaustible wealth, unlike human’s wealth that will be decreased. Rückert uses visual imagery as well to depict deep of ocean floor, the mermaids with countless pearls are swimming freely amid countless glittering pearls.

The last two lines are the conclusion of the poem. Rückert covers his poem with two last lines, the seventh and eighth lines: “If you love for the sake of love alone, O yes then, love me!” and ”Love me as I love you-forever!” Here, another conditional utterance used to depict what the speaker’s want, which is being love for of the love itself, not for the beauty, youth, or wealth that will only last temporarily before fading, because love will never fade, but will be everlasting, as she loves him, forever. Rückert impliedly portrays with a visual imagery when a young beautiful lady after her long apprehension, come to a place where a young man stood, she smiled, and embrace him.

How is your interpretation?