I almost always screw up during interviews, even in the first two questions. I screw up in “tell me about yourself” and “what kind of person are you?”
It is not that I don’t know myself. I have been trying to psychoanalyse myself in the last three years. However, the more I figure out, the more I find out the stranger in me.
I once read a concept called ‘self-image’. Basically, it is the way I see myself. It can be personality, occupation, dream, looks, etc.
Psychologist often differentiate person as having positive and negative self-image. Those with positive self-image perceive themselves as good, unique, smart, cool, beautiful, handsome, popular, open-minded, noble, modest, or/and other positive attributes anyone may think of.
Meanwhile, those with negative self-image oftentimes see themselves as insufficient, shy, small, ugly, boring, unworthy, stupid, short, lazy, evil, broke, sensitive, fat, weird or/and other negative attributes.
The problem is that either need validation or acknowledgement from others. The positive self-image people need it to ensure that they are still what they think. For example, a ‘popular’ person will re-think about his/her popularity when his/her tweet only gets 3 retweets.
If a ‘popular’ person lost his/her popularity, what is he/she, then?
Similarly, those with negative self-image also requires other people’s opinion and comment to help them improve. A person who was labelled ‘insufficient’ by his/her parents/lover will try so hard to do anything perfectly and in order. It is to please that person or merely to make him/her feel better about him/herself.
What about me?
I have been trying to kill my self-image.
I see self-image as a house. When I was born, I didn’t have it. Then, I started piling up bricks and building some walls to protect me from the rest of the universe. There are many rooms in my house. I name it confident, smart, introvert, open-minded and weird. There are actually many more rooms in the dungeon; but it is too dark to even identify what is what. I painted and renovated my house several times. People always have something so say about it. Sometimes they said it is too big, too small, too light, too dark.
I am destroying my house from the inside out.
My self-image is as imaginary as the house. They both are built upon thoughts and stories that I—or others—have been trying to liven up and materialise in my head.
So, what kind of person am I?
I am both smart and stupid. I am aware and ignorant. I am a hard worker and lazy person. I am both handsome and ugly. My life is both useful and useless. I am sympathetic and apathetic. I am worthy and worthless. I have experienced life and death.
I am everything and everything is me.
Before me, the energy—that forms me—floated around in the universe. After me, the energy will float again.
Am I the vessel or the energy?
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Last year, I posted something on this topic, but it is more of a rant (https://nantahananta.blogspot.co.id/2016/02/our-little-secrets.html).