Nihilist, a Little Part of Me

So far, I neither have anybody to throw my hatred at, nor do I antagonize anyone but myself; especially when I turned into a nihilist. 

At times, my ego seems to force me to think in the frame of this philosophical belief. By that time, I start thinking that my life is really pointless, meaningless, and only an ephemeral journey into blackness. I, moreover, continue pondering that all people in this world—including me—are doing merely boring and nonsense routines that lead into emptiness of death and inevitable oblivion. 

Before I was born into this world, I believe that I was somewhere which is better than this place, then, through an action which is the main biological function of all creatures—breeding—I was thrown into this filthy ‘pool’ in which then I soon become a filthy creature as well. No matter how often I take a bath, I stay filthy because everything in this universe is a mere filth. The only way I can make myself clean is to get out of this world, either through death or a transcendental contemplation in which I am incapable of doing in this helter-skelter parody of grim reality—there is even no longer reality in this chaotic world; the word ‘reality’ is only used to explain the concept of the long-gone-reality before it is contaminated by the idiocy of human ideologies in this realm of nothingness.

When I was a child, my parents overwhelmed me with their constant dreams and expectations which they were incapable of achieving in their life. I was taught their conceptions from other people’s conception of virtues, truth, righteousness, and norms constructed by the manipulative powerful politicians. By that time, now, and most likely until the end of my so-called life, I have been inhaling carbon monoxide, swallowing poison, contributing in a mass stupidity of arbitrary conventions, and annually celebrating the withering of me of what-so-called birthday.

In the interpersonal relationship, I feel all people hate me in everything that I do, since everything—either it is good or bad—will always be reflected badly in every retina of all gibbering spectators. I have nobody to share and nobody to talk to.

From all those thoughts I started being a nonchalant, egoistic bastard anyone has a misfortune of meeting.

These are few examples out of my myriads thoughts about my life when I am somehow turned into a nihilist, the dismissive of the virtues, and the follower of the nothingness. 

A nihilist part of me is the only problem I have—since I found it easy to deal with all problems that come from outside—so far. 

I see myself as a calm and patient person who always thinks before I do anything. My nihilist part, however, is merely a side effect of the latent anger I barely express.

In a normal situation, I am, actually, a mixture outcome of existentialism and predeterminism.