Today, I wake up very early in the morning. I cannot find my way back to sleep. I do not find my phone and everything in it interesting. So, I cannot help but sitting and contemplating, as usual. I hate to point it out and say to myself that I am 24 now. Maybe, it is just a mechanism created by my mind to deny the fact that I am getting older and I am no longer a boy; that I have to take everything more seriously; and that I am now belong to the society more than to me.
I am not finished with myself as a boy. I like being a boy capable of expressing my self. I’d like to live my life in the ‘now’ without yesterday’s regrets and tomorrow’s expectations. I am still enjoying my journey of finding myself. I have not found my passion yet, not to mention my truest self.
They ask me to take everything more seriously. Well, I can’t! I cannot put all my heart into anything I have no idea about. I am still detaching myself from my belief, both familial and cultural. I want to inspect and select everything for myself. I want to live my life as me, not as my parents’ shadow or as the mainstream society. I want to have and realize my own dream, not their unfulfilled dreams.
Now, society will start prying my eyes to look through the lens of their ‘reality’ and to pursue their version of success. They expect me to be a good worker, spend my wage, and not die. They want me to be a good functioning person, which is defined as a person who don’t question and just accept everything; a person who is smart enough to think—and work—but not too smart to realize; and a person who is like other millions of people whose sense of identity, happiness, and pride depend on how famous, beautiful (or handsome), or rich they are.
Speaking of pride—it may sound like a conspiracy theory, though—I think, it is just an empty words designed to control the majority. There is no reason to be proud of just being Indonesian/American/Man/Woman/Muslim/Christian because pride is something we earn or we get after trying hard. It is an achievement, not just something we have when we are born or simply convert into. That word is used to invoke blind determination/struggle on the outcome desired by some.
One more thing, to be a good functioning person, I have to marry and have children. This may sound ridiculous, but I think this overpopulated world has enough ‘unattended’ and ‘unmanaged’ hungry children. Why would I be so egotistical to spread my mediocre gene to the world? Is there no other meaning which can make my life meaningful other than this?
Perhaps, I am just too scared and irresponsible to handle children because I know that every baby look upon their parents as perfect beings. And I know that neither do I, nor everybody else is perfect. So, there will always be gap, an unmet expectation: childhood trauma, either emotional, psychological, or physical. This childhood trauma will influence the children forever, as me and everyone else. It is like a burden we are doomed to carry around. We can’t function maximally until we accept it, unbind it, and be at peace. How to deal with this depends on each person. Regardless, I am not ready to create and deal, or let my children deal with the burden.
I am a boy who enjoys walking and taking paths unaware of the consequences in the long run. I simply walked on the path that I liked. Now, however, I am facing a big diverted roads, and I have to decide which road to take. I know that at the end, every small path will lead to bigger roads. Every individual will be a society. Every colorful soul will be monochromatic swirling energy. It is not so grim, though. For the better or worse, each individual sound will turn into universal symphony.
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